Being 24, i was totally lost in a maze. Having difficulties with my support system really just make it even worse. But I do not blame anyone for this unsolved puzzle in my life.. I never will. The journey of finding yourself, really brings up who you really are. There were times when i was at my lowest point. Nothing feels good about myself. I just hate looking at my own reflection in the mirror. Everyone just appears to be an irritation to my eyes and food dont taste that good. I spend most of the time thinking and staring blindly over an empty wall. My mind usually crawl out of its place, i easily got distracted while doing something and i feel so lonely at heart. This emptiness is so hard to be explained, that i end up keeping it for myself. I have troubles sleeping at night, waking up in the middle of the night is very common, i tend to get emotional when i see a bunch of happy people and i tend to get teary (sometimes crying excessively) in the middle of big crowd. Ya i know its weird.
Being 24, i never thought that life will be this hard (for me at least). Not that i am always sad, but its because i have to learn and digest so many things. Things don''t always go your way. I am sad just by thinking that when everything goes the other way, you have to explain to yourself that it is normal to be that way, all humans are imperfect, its okay to fail etc...this process...without any doubt is a pain. You were told to be positive and optimistic, but at the end of the day...you still sleep with a broken heart. Life, is a journey of perseverance. Life, it does not care whether you are good or not. Liking it or not, you have to go on.You can be sad and depress for years and suddenly woke up and forgot all your sadness just by a simple hi from a stranger-thats life.
I am happy just by seeing a school kid hug her mother at the school gate, i am happy just by eating my favourite tomyam. I am happy and so amazed by the fact that how certain people that you met in your life can affect your life so positively. I am happy just by having the guts to write this down. And I am happy just by listing down everything that makes me happy. Sadness, yes, it annoys you but it is undoubtly something that will make you stronger. It is something that you just have to keep a small portion of it for the memories and throw the rest in the trash can. My 24 year old life, is a mix bowl of emotions. And i constantly struggle to make sure everything is right on track and i dont slip anything on my way. But being 24, i felt blessed.
Dear 24 year old Habibah, people dont get lucky all the time. But I wish you'll be lucky and found the way out of the maze, perhaps with someone that will try to fix you at the exit door. (maybe with a banner saying 'You've won the battle and welcome home, my love!'. Ok kiddin. )
Yours truly,
the amazing-optimist wannabe-23 year old Habibah
